u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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