i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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