saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
