is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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