Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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