Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
