walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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