I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
