my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
