I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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