tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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