My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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