Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
FUCK WHALES
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
