i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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