So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
