Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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