I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
