The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
the liver wants what the liver wants
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
