Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
