I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
