Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
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