oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize