No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
