OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
