herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I need to align my fucking chakras
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
