My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
