my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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