let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
