So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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