did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
