Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was CRYING into my vagina
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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