Your face is a jimmy john
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
