Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
