dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
