They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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