I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The air was thick with penises
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
