Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
