I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize