my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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