guys are not supposed to queef...right?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
