i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
