So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
