remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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