Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
