Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
