Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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