Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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