I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
