This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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