my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
