well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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