The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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