3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
