halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize